How to Talk About What You Want in Bed

Most of us were never taught how to talk about sex. We learned the mechanics (maybe), but not how to say "slower," "not that," or "I'd love to try something new" without our faces going hot. So we stay quiet, hope our partner figures it out, and wonder why things feel a bit stuck.

The good news: talking about sex is a skill, not a personality trait. Like any skill, it gets easier the more you practise. Here's how to start.

Why it's worth the awkwardness

Couples who talk openly about sex tend to report more satisfying sex lives. That makes sense. Your partner can't read your mind, and what you liked five years ago might not be what you like now. Bodies change. Desire changes. Life changes. Talking is how you keep up with each other.

It's also about comfort and safety. If something hurts, you need to be able to say so without worrying it'll ruin the moment.

Pick the right moment

The middle of sex is rarely the best time for a big conversation. People feel vulnerable, and feedback can easily sound like criticism. Better options:

• Somewhere neutral and relaxed. On a walk, on a long drive, over coffee on a lazy morning. Side-by-side conversations often feel less intense than face-to-face ones.
• When you're both calm. Not right after an argument, not when one of you is exhausted, not during a rejection.
• With a little warning. "I'd love to talk about our sex life sometime this week. Nothing's wrong, I just want to make it even better" takes the panic out of it.

Small, in-the-moment comments are different. "Yes, like that" or "a bit softer" during sex are great. Keep them short and kind.

Lead with curiosity, not criticism

How you say something matters as much as what you say. Compare:

• "You never take your time." vs. "I love it when we go really slowly. Can we do more of that?"
• "That doesn't do anything for me." vs. "I think I'd feel more if we tried it like this."
• "Why don't you ever want to try new things?" vs. "I've been curious about trying something. What do you think about…?"

Starting with what you like, and asking rather than demanding, keeps your partner open instead of defensive.

Easy phrases to steal

To ask for something:

• "I'd love it if you…"
• "Can we try…?"
• "It feels amazing when you…"

To change direction in the moment:

• "Slower."
• "A little to the left."
• "Let's switch."
• "Can we pause for a sec?"

To say no without hurting feelings:

• "That's not for me, but I'd love to…"
• "Not tonight, but can we cuddle?"
• "I'm not into that, thank you for asking."

To bring up pain or discomfort:

• "That's starting to hurt. Can we use more lube?"
• "Sex has been uncomfortable lately. I'd like to figure out why together."

Try a yes / no / maybe list

If talking feels too exposing, write it down instead. Each of you makes a private list of things you'd like to do (yes), things you might be curious about (maybe) and things that are off the table (no). Then compare, focusing on the overlaps.

It's a surprisingly fun exercise, it takes the pressure off saying things out loud, and it often reveals that you have more in common than you thought.

Listen as much as you talk

When your partner shares something, especially something vulnerable, how you react matters. A few tips:

• Thank them for telling you.
• Ask questions before giving your opinion: "What do you like about that idea?"
• Don't laugh or make faces, even if you're nervous.
• If you're not into it, say so gently and offer an alternative.

If one of you feels judged the first time, they may not try again for a long time.

When desire doesn't match

It's very common for one partner to want sex more often than the other. It doesn't mean something is wrong with either of you. Talking about it with curiosity, not blame, is key. Ask what helps each of you feel in the mood. Many people, especially women in long-term relationships, experience responsive desire: they don't feel like it out of nowhere, but they do once things get started in a relaxed, pressure-free way. Read more in Mismatched Libido.

Make the conversation ongoing

Talking about sex isn't a one-time thing. Bodies change with age, stress, pregnancy, medications and menopause. What feels good changes too. Some couples like a regular, low-key check-in, like "anything you'd like more or less of lately?", every few months.

It also helps to talk about the nice stuff afterwards. "That was really good" or "I loved when you…" reinforces what's working and makes future conversations easier.

When to get extra support

If conversations keep turning into arguments, or there's pain, trauma or a big gap in desire you can't bridge, a sex therapist or couples counsellor can really help. Look for a certified sex therapist. It's not a sign your relationship is failing. It's a sign you care enough to work on it.

For a deeper look, read our complete guide to couples sexual communication. And if you want something to bring into the bedroom as a conversation starter, a shared product like our Peach Pair can be an easy, playful way in.